Modern medicine...Hooray

Have made the decision to go back onto medication.....will try to wait till I get to queensland and can see my original doctor but think it is the best option for me at this point...am tierd of feeling sad and paranoid....fear does not get easier as time goes by.....anyway I hope it will allow me some semblence of normal life without the constant state of controlled terror I live in...people are always saying to see a counsellor but seriously it does not help...counsellors always assume there is some sub conscious reason behind your issues...even if its the case its not the obvious ones cause i had counselling for them already...think my prob with cousellors is I have to many shit things in my past that would cause most people issues ;) So no more head doctors telling me crap I already know and never listening to me..back to the wonders of modern chemicals for relief! Hooray maybe will feel better soonish :)
Last week of uni then all done for the year...hooray...looking forward to earning money but more importently looking forward to spending said monies:)
Things in life still shit but am learning to cry quietly which I feel is good for me.....tears seem to make it a bit better...not sure why...but if it helps I am ok with it......sorry posts have been kinda sad lately but hopefully they be better soon as surely there is nothing else left to cause drama in my life *knock on wood* One thing I have learned over and over again is that it all passes, the hurt, the anger and even some of the fear (not all) it passes and feades into memory...becomes just another chapter in my story...which I will write one day..plan to start during holidays!
Still got pains in stomache and the wierd fever thingy happening but will make an appoint to see doctor on thursday when I get paid...have to wait till then cause he often expects payment for treatment which frankly I find odd......On a bright note failed completely today to get fired from my job..which is a good thing cause even if I dont like it there is the money thing (see above comments on money) Took the week off work to study so should prob get onto that...note the dillegence ;)
Cheers
Jinx
xxx

A whole lot of stuff.......

Firstly to teh fairy if you reading....fair call and your right I should either seek both sides of the story or even better mind my own business.....all I can do plead over stress due to the crap in my life.....am feeling fairly defensive and depressed lately which makes me stupid.....am glad your cute little one thinks I am nice enough as I think she is wonderful....feel free to email me anytime James has details....promise to try not to be interfering cow in future..... :)

and now to other things:

M...hmm where do I start....the internet is a strange and wonderful thing....I was given an interesting blog to read....this is how I find out that he is a liar and full of crap....am very very sad and feeling like an idiot whose heart has been ripped a sunder once again.....A little while ago he came to me and told me he loved me...I believed him even though I should have known better given his previous actions over the last 8 months or so whike he's been f***ing me...but I gave him the benefit of the doubt...recently he told me he was having such a rough time...I spent maost nights this week awake worrying about him...turns out all he needed was more time to look for a better dating optino...like say someone at a speed dating event.... I feel like an idiot...I stressed out so much that I almost made myself sick with worry over someone who could care less about me......My situation gets worse as I wait for another couple of days so I can get tested to make sure Im not pregnant....just sick with somekinda stomache or hormone thing...heres hoping its a sickness.....cause really dont want to have face the alternative.....then again I think I would be an ok single mum.......

Uni is still hard, all my assessment is due this week and next...it just keeps comming and I dont know if I can take it anymore....I am tierd and sick...feverisj for 4 or 5 days but no time to see the doctor...especially as I have to see him next week anyways.......struggling just to keep it together at this stage....

Talk to Bela alot and that hurts cause I can still see the pain I caused him.......never wanted to hurt him which is why I said he should never have gotten involved with me...too late for those thoughts now huh......

My family is miles away and I miss them soo much...I was going home soon to see them but prob cant afford to just yet anymore so dont know when I will get the chance to be with them again...I miss my friends (I love you canberra people but still miss my other friends)....

My job sucks and my boss gets mad whenever I need time off for uni so now I just work and hope that I can study at night................well I guess thats about it really....this has turned into a dumping blog for all the crap I have been dealing with lately...I am so sick of being miserable and sad....going back on my meds is looking brighter by the minute.....still there are some some good things.....my sports team won at voleyball tonight and I played real well....... going to stonefest on the weekend which will be fun......

Thinking about moving back to queensland in a month or so...spoke to my mum and she thinks it would be a good idea...prob move to brisbane...it is closer to family, warmer, and I might be more stable there......will miss everyone here alot but am not sure I can stay here any longer....

Thats all for now
Jinx

*sigh*

Just came from lunch with James and his friend where I think my cranky mood and not so sweet disposition made a bad impression.....*sigh*...Oh well guess that can happen sometimes...I made stupid comments on a situation I dont kow the whole story about and that was daft...but sometimes I just get so confussed by peoples actions and behaviours that it makes me kinda defensive and nervous which makes me say and do stupid things....Things kinda intense at the momment...M is having a real bad time and that makes me sad cause I cant help, frustrated cause he wont let me help, and cross cause I have tred gentle and cant be honest about stuff with him cause that would just put more stress on him...and as you can tell I prob not the best person for treading gently.....*sigh*...talking alot to B lately and that nice but again it worries me cause I dont want to cause him more hurt than have already.....*sigh*.....Winnie got a trial at my work today and not sure how I feel about it...(sorry win)...hope it goes well cause she needs the boost and the money would be good...I just dont know if I want to work with people I love in a place I hate...its not a fun job and I dont want the stress of it to mess with my friendship...*sigh*....am very sad today and no real reason just that things getting a little too much for me lately.....am thinking about going back on my medication...My mum thinks maybe I should if it will help...*sigh*....I miss my parents and looking forward to seeing them at some point this year.......Polly rang me last night and that was nice, christopher visited and mr flynn rang too so that was also good....awful warful lost a leg but will recover.....I have to go to class.
Jinx

I cant cope with this much longer

Please oh please this computer is driving to extreme measures......for some reason all the stuff in my life that should be causing the most worry and stress just is not comparing to the computer thing..perhaps it was just the final straw.....
Hoping this works and that the repeated blogs have finally dissapeared from my blog page....its the republishing that is a problem....so it doubles them then wont delete them cause after I edit them and try to delete them the site wont republish......very very frustrated...funny how I am focused in on this .... maybe just cant deal with other stuff..it too big so this is something i can cry and scream about

Jinx

NOOOOOOOOOOOO Bastard Computer

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH repeating blog posts not cool!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stupid computer crap...

tried to delete one of teh previous posts that has been repeated after editing....and it will not delete...am getting very very frustrated with this thing cause it just will not remove the deleted post from the blog........screaming at the screen and threatening to chuck stupid machine out window does not seem to be making any difference to the computer's state of mind...I will win this battle with the techno crap..I will...I will not be beaten by a machine!!!!! I refuse to back down..the post will be removed from my blog one way or another.....either it goes or so help me I just delete whole bloody blog and start again elsewhere!!!!

Am studying/procrastinating at my house with Adrian...he is supposed to be studying but instead is making me search internet for wrestling stuff and playing with my phone...I suspect less work being done than could be if we were studying at uni....nevermind...

Bye

Only 3200 to go.....

Am sitting at home working on one of the pieces of assesment due this week I have written 1300 words and have said pretty much everything I have to say on the subject and I still have 3200 words to go......not sure if I will get these things done in time...I also have a forensic report from the exhumation I did a couple of weeks ago...both are due on friday...I am in big trouble....

Watching farscape season one whilst I work and thinking how cool the puppets are.....have to work tomorrow really early...like 7.30 and wont finish till after 4...long day for me...then better come home and keep working on silly uni stuff...been invited out to dinner monday night and really want to go cause I have not hung out with my friend Adrian in ages and he and Alana have a new house mate who is irish and I love the irish accent so want to meet him and drool over the sound of his voice....figure if he not drool material to look at will just close my eyes :)

D is being a legend and giving me a ride to work in the morning so I can have extra sleeps and not have to get up a 5.30 in order to be on the 6.30 bus...instead I can just crawl out of bed at 6.45 and dress to leave at 7.10 Hooray Hooray cause brain does not need to function if I am getting a lift!

Last two nights have been trying the solo thing as my housemate G is still visiting Miss Em..the solo thing is hard for me cause of my phobias and anxiety stuff..am pleased with myself for doing two nights in a row...although Bela has been a big help by staying on the phone to me until very late or rather very early in the mornings...talking to me to take my mind of the crap that runs through it all the time...am really tierd today and betting B prob feeling the same after two nights of 3am phone calls...but I survived and even managed to aleep a little eventually.....had to barricade my door a bit but hey what the hell its a way of coping....if i went back on my medication it would prob be better and I would be better..but if i go back on it I am committing myself to a long term medicated state...not sure I want to do that again...will have to see if I can continue without them...I ahve been off them for a while now.....have some calming stuff that I take when its real bad but it makes me kinda hazy and not good so I dont take it usually....

Been spending lot of time online lately but my blog been playing up so will have to wait and see if it actually works this time...this is my thrid attempt to blog today!

Must go back to work....or at least pretending to work.....

In name and nature always:
Jinx
xxx

Farscape, procrastination and a return to the working drudge

Am sitting at home procrastinating from the enormous amount of uni work I have due this week...trying hard to write 4500 words on repatriation as well as a forensic crime report including skeletal and evidence analysis both of which are due on friday and worth the majority of my grades for the semester.......have writters block and still only written around 500 words!!! I think I am in big trouble.......

Watching season 1 of farscape which I borrowed from the video store thanks to D's video card.....hoping to get more work done soon as I need to sleep early tonight cause my boss rang and i go back to work tomorrow at 7.30 in the bloody morning...honestly there is nothing i feel less like doing at 7.30 in the morning than serving a bunch of uptight yuppies thier morning coffee fix.....still pays the bills...occassionally anyway....

Housemate still away so I have been trying the solo thing the last couple of nights..its hard when you have bad phobias and anxiety issues but I working with it...Bela been very helpful staying up late to talk on the phone to me till I too tierd to stay awake and fall asleep...feeling pretty sleepy today after two days straight of very late nights...imagine poor B is also feeling tierd and eager for my housemate to return...B offered to come stay with me but I feel that would be a bad idea given recent events....(see the will power and strength) Anyway guess I better get back to pretending to work...prob ring my occassional housemate/landlord later and check on his return status.... Wish my work was going better but honestly cant be stuffed with it and have nothing to write!!! GRRRR feeling very frustrated with uni right now.....

Oh yeah found a new juice...its good apple, carrot, orange and lemon...very yummy...like it alot..wish I had a juicer to make fresh stuff everyday......

In Name and Nature always:
Jinx
xxx

Frustration with otherleg .....

Cant make my stupid blog link to daves blog....grrr ths means have to acces his page via my favorites list instead of being able to check it whenever I am blogging like all the other peoples... My computer is messed up it just started writting in italics and I dont know why????? I must have pressed something and now I can not work out why it is doing this and how to stop it...AGGHHHHH I think I should take a computer course..and also according to james I need to go back to school and learn to spell...I say screw you and the horse you rode in on...I like my lazy way of typing...yes I spell badly but somehow I feel I will survive this.....although if the italics keep up I am not sure I will ever blog again....
cheers
Jinx

Study hee hee hee

Ok well study went well...I tried...I really did for like an hour...minus the time it took to check my emails, write a blog, send some emails and read others blogs..so I tried to study for about a whole 10 mins before getting bored and going to DnD game which for this evenings pleasure was held at D's place...it was fun..much fun...B is a great DM....Winnie decided not to join us...not sure what happened cause I thought she was comming but will call her tomorrow and make sure she ok...am home now and Gavin still away..am watching some kind of stupid movie...called super troopers or some such..it is dumb..very dumb..but as there appears to be only one other choice and that is amovie starring steven segal I think this one is a winner....although not by much and I would not have to argue that point....anyway thats all for now....
Jinx

A new hair do and life continues......

Today I went to the hair dressers, this is such a rare event I figure it warrents blogging over...hair looks all shiny and new...shame it will not last...even decided to try making an effort with it from now on and bought some sort of strange appliance/magic wand thingy that I am supposed to use...wonder how long it will take for this one to be shoved in the bottom of a draw for the rest of eternity.....I guess a week....but feel perhaps am being optimistic about my ability with hair......had coffee this afternoon with bela and a good chat last night on the phone after a slightly akward evening...things on this front still sadly all f****d up (sorry bout the language)..he is in deep with me and i feel like crap cause i hurt him all the time....he suggested some space for a while to chill things and aid in adjustment to new status of just friends...i think this a fine plan and hope it works well...but am sad cause i miss his company alot...i used to always ring him late and we would chat about crap till the early hours of the morning, really miss hanging with him....*sigh*...the heart is never easy or fair......things with matt wierd and just as crappy....he bailed on seeing me the other night to talk cause he had stuff..fair enough but not really surprising....called me today just to say hi and see how i doing...think he is pushing for brownie points with phone calls.....also feeling kinda uneasy about whole thing with him cause he turns up tells me he loves me...messing with my head...ok well and good but his past actions just dont mesh with his words......confussed and hurt but feeling like life will continue...

Hoping bela and me can be at the very very least remain great friends for a long time..he is very special....hoping matt and me can remain friends but feeling sad about the up down crap with that.....have decided to put in for a placement in a third world country next year..maybe cambodia or somewhere in south east asia...the young australian ambassador thingy.....closes in march next year and i intend to apply....some time away doing the work i love and helping people who really need it will give me some much needed perspective on the world and my place in it...plus a break from relationships may ease my continuous heartbreak..although leaving the people here especially winnie and bela will be hard...hmmm all things are hard as this year has come to demonstrate....

Was supposed to game tonight in my regular friday game with winnie, james, danica, mark, and ofcourse mr B....was really looking forward to it and had to spend considerable time bullying bela into having it this week due to our stuff...finnally he agrees and dont you know it i cant bloody go..should be doing assignment stuff now..wanting to go and game instead but then again i guess the space thing should start sooner rather than later..but wishing i was there anyway.....still uni work has proven over the last few weeks that it just will not do itself..bastard thing........anyways thats my blog for today..

"In Name and Nature Always"
Jinx
xxx

What have I done?????

I cant believe myself sometimes...what the hell have I done..I have detroyed my chance with someone who really cares for me and who I really care for....I have risked ruining a friendship and caused intense hurt to myself and to B for what???? Because I am an idiot who thinks that Im not worthy of good things........I dont know if I can ever forgive myself...B is definetly better off without me...and M, well he will be fine without me...always is....I think his feelings are less on the love as he would have me believe and more about retaining a convienent body, I wonder sometimes how it is some people can learn to lie so well......I wish that this week had never happened.

.....*sigh*.......

This has been a difficult week, I have caused much pain to someone very dear to me and causing that pain has in turn hurt me a great deal...everyone has an opinion on it and no problem telling me it, they think they have some clue as to how my head and heart and body are feeling but really they just have thier own preconcieved ideas devloped through thier own life experiences and past pains....but its ok I expect people to be harsh about it...I am...all of the critisims are well deserved...I messed up, I made a mistake by not listening to my instincts...I should never have allowed my feelings to cloud my judgement and because I did my friend and someone I care for deeply is in pain and I feel even worse than I did before.

Winnie has been great she has been here at my house hidding with me for the, I have barely left the house...christ I have barely gotten out of my pjs this week...plus its not been very condusive to my studies...have so much work to do and too sad to do any.....just want to go hide for the next couple of months....oh and my holiday..the one and only thing keeping me sane for the last few weeks...prob have to be delayed or cancelled due to the fact that its just too damn expensive....*sigh*.....I wish I had some kind of magic wand that could make things better....wish I could just forget the issues that have led me here and try to be happy..but part of the problem is that if I did that I would be be lying to myself as well as others and I cant do that..not even to spare myself some difficult times and painful choices.....

Not sure whats wrong with the people around me.....think they may have issues with reality...I am not that great...really...read my blog you soon realize how messed I am...plus cant spell to save myself....I am a frumpy, cranky, overweight ex army, fulltime student with severe emotional problems and regular bouts of depression, paranoia, and anxiety complexes.....what is the appeal in that...you would think my problem would be finding someone who cared and wanted to share their life with me..not the other way around where there are too many people wanting that......am very confussed and sad and feel bad about the world...crying alot lately and just feeling pretty shit....sorry for the boring blog but hey deal with it.....also people think that recently discovering that my ex lover does give a shit has been what brought this trouble on...but thats not it...it was just the catalyst that forced me to act upon fears and doubts I had been dealing with for a while....anyway going to go back to infomercials..they are my friend...and much happiness would be had if I only had a large credit card free of debt!
jinx
: in name and nature.

What does the universe have against me???

Today a bad day..am back at my place, winnie staying with me to keep me sane..Gavin away again visting miss Em..things bad, its really an issue of timing....life gone and dumped another heap of crap my way...always just when i think things get bettter the universe discovers new ways of messing with my head...am so confused right now no idea what the hell i should do or how i can get out of this mess without hurting myself and those around me......*sigh* and double *sigh*......my head is very messed up i just want to scream................................................................ Also or those i know in person who read this..dont ask i dont want to talk about it just vent on my blog in an obscure way so that no one knows what i am talking about.....really dont ask me cause i wont answer and it will piss me off.
hope my next blog is of brighter things....thanks for listening interweb peoples.
cheers
jinx
*sigh*

The Daily Grind

Ohla my pretties hope this finds you well....things slowly returning to normal in the life of jinx....car still dead and my neck and head still hurt but doctor says no perminent damage just stiffness, gave me some physio exercisers to help...have missed three days of work and prob will miss most of this week to make sure it all better and rosey before doing anything else to it..instead will spend this week working on uni stuff whih despite much ignoring from me has yet to go away...*sigh*...all else is going ok...insurence will leave me broke and in debt but not as badly as I could have been.....stupid ACT wont give neck my rego money even though I had not even started using it yet...they take huge admin fees...admin fees??? for what??? they did not bloody do anything my car got totalled before the rego kicked in!!!! Still I fight with insurence over excess and hopefully will win and thus negate the loss of rego money......other things go well...spending lot of time with Bela and that makes me happy...except when I cranky with him but I did warn him to expect that so be it on his head! Winnie not going to melbourne which make me glad and it took all my self control not to victory dance about it even though Catherine was really great I still glad Winnie not leaving me....Really looking forward to my queensland holiday cant wait to see my family and friends...allthough there will be some who I may neglect to mention my return too! Beach beach and more beach is my general itinery and ofcourse this will be intersperced with sprinkles of fun and maybe a dash of relaxation.....*sigh* I cant wait!
Uni going slow but only a few more weeks then I finish....better get cracking on it....will blog again soonish...maybe...probably....possibly....hmmmm.
cheers
jinx
xxx

Fare thee well magna....

Verdicts in my car is a total write off....gone dead and never coming back....*sigh* have spent the last two days dealing with the dramas of insurense and rego and trying desperately not to end up completely screwed...apparently insurense only covers you when your at fault..so the guy who wrecked my car only has to pay the same as me a 500 dollar excess...despite the fact that it was his fault not mine...grrrrr....hurrump....am very upset...plus neck is very very painful cant move it and have lost three days at work....plus canberra connect is keeping around 60 dollars of the rego i paid the day before the accident and NRMA is keeping around 30 so I am down about 100 from that..........ARRRRGGGHHHHH People have been saying how wonderfully composed i am about the whole situation and I think thats partly cause of the head injury, partly cause of bela, and partly cause i just cant believe it.

Smash Crash Bang and thus ends the car adventures....

I know most of you have been hasseling me to update on my life but you will have to wait.....this is only about my adventures today.....as I was traveling to uni and work this morning I was involved in a 4 car accident....the guy in front of me slammed his brakes on suddenly and I hit him lightly...then the guy behind me slammed into me and threw me forward back into the guy in front who in turn rammed the lady in front of him...4 cars with mine in middle...it is bad my car copped a beating from both front and rear....I was pretty shaken, shock and ip lash and nasty bump on my head....rescue guys said that I was really lucky I had my seatbelt on or I prob would have gone threw windscreen thats how hard I was hit...I got thrown around the car pretty badly...lucky my mum had recently put full comp insurence on the car for me....thank you muma...anyway took the car to NRMA smash repair guy and now await the verdict...Winn's mum came and got me from the scene and now I at her place...not going to uni or work today and maybe not tomorrow depending on whether I am still seeing spots by then.......Am still to shaken to really comment on how I feel or any of the other things happening in my life...lost another aunty recently, Win is no longer moving to melebourne and is comming on holiday with me, transfered all my licence stuff yesturday!!!!, paid rego and what not too!!!! plus personal life gone through upheaval although that seems to be a good thing...more on this and other life crap later...for now I am going to curl up on couch and try not to think about my poor little car.
xxx
Jinx