Suddenly realised that when writting blogs its probably not a good idea to give the site address to people you know.......especially if you wish to blog about things in your life that may concern them......yes I know a fairly obvious thing, but unfortunetly for me I did not realise this until after everyone I know already had the blog address! What to do what to do? Any way maybe I can still blog about somethings in the optismistic hope that the people concerned will not be reading my blog anyway......heres hoping!
I moved here not long ago in an attempt to escape the pain of a broken heart, unfortunetly as some of you will be aware you can never really run far enough away to escape that, it just comes right along with you. Slowly over the last few months I've begun to feel something like I once did, Ive stopped feeling dead, well most of the tmie anyway. Heart ache can be a pretty destructive emotion, people sometimes laugh and say helpful things like, it will pass, and time heals all wounds, and ofcourse my personal favorite...its just like all other heart aches. You see while all these things are true they dont help people, belittling someones pain does not help them heal, it just hurts them more. No one can ever understand the extent of anyone elses pain, they cant understand because its not them, they were'nt there, you can show them your world, but they can never be in it, unless you love them and then they can burn it to the ground. These things can not really be explained in words, its a feeling, i'm sure most of the people reading this remember that feeling, if you cant empathise i'll explain. Do remember the feeling when you were a child when you woke in the middle of the night, and you just knew that everything ahd gone wrong, do you remember the fear? the knowledge that for the first time no amount of lights, or warm milk, or cuddles from your mother would take that fear away? Thats the feeling of heartache, thats the pain that never passes, it just looses its control over your life. I have been fighting to let that fear go for the last few months, walking through the days as though i'm not really there, being a pain in the ass to the few friends I have here by visiting all the time, companionship can make it easier to forget. After a time I passed that point, you all know it even if your not conscious of it. That point after the initial heartache that you make a decision somewhere in your soul that you will keep on living, that this will not be the end of you, and that all the pain will one day hurt less. I passed that point and slowly things began to be better, I started enjoying the people around me more, I started being glad that I had moved here and become part of the lives of those around me, I even began to enjoy my lover in more than physical ways. These things are all good achievements, but the pivotal momment for me was after a very shitty week, when my feelings wre hurt by the people around me and I felt as though I should start apologising for being in pain for so fucking long. I was speaking to my ex a process that usually was bitersweet at the best, when I realised I truely was happy for him. When I found myself asking him about his new girlfriend and the baby they will be having I discovered I actually did want to know, it hurt still but not so much, and not enough to make me not want to share this experience with him.
So finally it seems that the pain of heartache is no longer controling my life, its still there but it can no longer dictate my days. The question remains for me though, what now? where do I go? what do I do? How do I even begin? and more importantly What do I want?
