Lately I have been in regular contact with people in my life both here and back home in queensland who make me feel like i should be apologizing for something...
people with whom every day feels like some sort of sordid competition, people that are friends of mine, mutual acquantences of friends, and of course the new partners of former lovers of mine....
some of my friends comented on this and said i should feel flattered that these people were so impressed by me that they felt the need to compete ...perhaps thats true and i should feel good...
but what is so frustrating is that i have found myself responding to this....feeling like i am failing to measure up in some way....competeing with people for no reason.......
well sod that.....I am better than that....at least i should be.....I have finished with it....

Attention all competetors in the be better than me comp....
YOU WIN...I quit....
you are better, nicer, prettier, people like you more, your ass is smaller, your boobs bigger and he likes you in bed/social settings better.....
whatever it was you felt you had to compete with me for you win....

I have more importent things to do than play childish games with people...... :) I feel better.

Things in my life are complicated.....I love my boyfriend and in his own strange way he loves me....
I love my new house and my new housemates...even when there is no hot water :)
I hate my job but plan to get a new one, I miss my family but plan to see them soon,

I am scared and sick with grief and worry about Matt and what he is facing now, and about Daniel and James and how they will cope with the loss of thier father, and about Michael whose latest round of malaria seems to have triggered diabeties, and about all the hurt in the lives of the people i care so much about that i cant fix or even ease....

These are the things that should matter not petty differences based on nothing more than insecurities both mine and thiers....I took a stand with one person recently....I ceased apologizing for being her boyfriends ex and his closest friend....I simply stopped caring what she thought or allowing her insecurities about her position in the world to drag me into a stupid little cat fight over his affections......especially since I honestly think his affection should be firmly with her...she is his girlfriend and the mother of his child......the constant attacks drew me in and raised my defences and a peevishly entered into this silly little game.....I have allowed this t happen with more than one person...enough....I am being silly and shall not do this anymore....

On a lighter note....birthday been and gone....other various celebrations been and gone....another round of the flu been and hopefully gone soon....life continues......good to see people at movies last night...it has been a while...coffee was also nice despite cold chilly air :)